I have a book in my office entitled “Just As Long As I’m Riding Up Front.” The title comes from a story in the book where a funeral director asks a pastor if he is willing to ride in the hearse on the way to the cemetery. The title was the pastor's response. Though the line makes me smile, I also know that funerals are hard. And they are far harder for the ones who are left behind than the one who died!

I have officiated at many funerals and I’d like to share some things I’ve learned from being a part of so many. There’s a story about an old seminary professor who was standing by himself after his wife’s funeral. Someone came up to him and said, “I’m sorry you lost your wife.” The grieving husband replied, “She’s not the one who’s lost. I know where she is. I’m the one who feels lost.” So often this exactly how we feel at the funeral of a loved one.

First of all, things go by in a blur. There are people who have to be notified. There are arrangements that have to be made. And during the few days leading up to the funeral things can be a bustle of activity. Family members fly in for the service. People drop by the house bringing food. There are decisions and family conferences and visits and phone calls and cards and… where is the time to grieve? Often times the hardest part about a funeral is the first few days after. When most people go back to “normal” and you are left alone. Knowing that, please remember those who have lost loved ones in the days, weeks and even months that follow. Don’t let your phone calls and encouraging words dry up. They still need them.

Second, when planning a service it can be hard determining how to do it. One question I get sometimes is, “Who is the funeral for? Is it for the one who died or for those who are left behind?” I believe that it’s really for those who are left behind. They are the ones who need comfort, encouragement, strength and hope. At the same time, it is important to honor the departed’s wishes in order to honor them. Honoring their wishes at their funeral is way that we can show how much we love them. But some wishes are unreasonable or just can't be honored. In that case, I just remind the family that the service is really for them, and that they should do the best they can within reason to honor final requests, but all they can do is all they have to do.

For me funerals are bittersweet. It’s hard watching families grieve as they say goodbye. But it’s also encouraging when I see families cling to each other and lean on one another during such times. Funerals can be a time when old differences and disagreements are put aside. They can be a time when people remember what is really important and reassess their priorities.

Take someone along with you to the funeral home when you make arrangements. If you are in the midst of grieving, you probably aren't thinking clearly. I appreciate funeral homes and their directors. They are good people who are there to help you...and make a living. Don't let them sell you the triple-deluxe-super casket with down pillows, air-conditioning and 500 year warranty.

Let people bring you food. You don't want to be cooking right now. I know, you might end up with 5 extra platters of chicken dishes, but better to have extra... If you are the food bringer, don't say, "call if you need anything." They won't. But do plan on bringing the food and call ahead to make sure it is a good time to bring it. Also don't put the food in anything they have to wash and return. Put it all in disposable containers. You wouldn't want to be doing dishes at a time like this and neither do they.

Don't wait and watch the casket being lowered into the ground. That's a final image you don't need to carry in your memory the rest of your life. Your kids don't need that image either. Don't linger at the cemetery too long.

It's OK to do things differently. You don't have to follow tradition. You don't have to do what you think everyone else expects. The funeral is for you and those who are left behind. Do what helps you. You don't have to do the 3 hour visitation if you don't want to. You don't have to have the casket open if you don't want it to be. You are in charge.

Some families now have a small graveside service for family only FIRST, and then have the big service at the church. That way you are ending on a note of victory.

And feel free to grieve in your own way. In every family, there is one person who never cries, and there is one person who can't stop crying. That's OK. Don't whisper to each other about it. Let them grieve in their own way. As for you, it's OK to laugh. Don't feel guilty. Tell those funny stories. They are gifts from God. It's also OK to cry. Don't feel guilty for that either. Tears are a gift from God also. It doesn't mean that you are a bad Christian, or that you are being "selfish because that person is in heaven now." It hurts because they were special to you.

Regret makes grief harder. If you are deciding whether or not to go see that loved one on final time at the hospital, figure out what you would most regret NOT doing.

Don't forget the children. This probably deserves a whole different post, but briefly: Don't lie. Speak simply and literally. Don't dwell on it. Don't project your feelings onto them. Remember the regret advice above. Don't make your kids mad at you for years because you didn't let them talk to Grandma. On the other hand, you know your kids, and it's your job to protect them from what they can't handle. It's a tough balancing act, I know, but that's your challenge.

I have two closing words of advice. First, don’t wait for your own funeral. Get the will done now. Buy life insurance now. Make your funeral arrangements ahead of time if you can. Leave final instructions somewhere. Let your loved ones know how they can honor you. But as you do that, remember the service isn’t really for you, it’s for them, but they will welcome the chance to honor you. Write a letter to be read at your funeral. I have only seen it happen a few times, but when someone leaves a letter behind, it gives more encouragement than you can imagine.

Second, don’t wait for anybody else’s funeral either. You can gather with your siblings, uncles, aunts and cousins for other reasons. Funerals don’t have to be the only times you see each other. But you have to get up and go plan something. Also you can tell people how you feel about them while their still alive. Don’t wait until the eulogy. Write a letter now. Make a phone call now. Tell that person today, so that you never have to say “I wish I had said that sooner.”

Many of you have been the widow/grieving child etc... what advice do you have? What did people do for you that was helpful? What did people do that was unhelpful? Is there anything you wish you had done differently? Is there anything that God really used to bless and comfort you during your difficult time?