When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.

- 1 Corinthians 13:11

So much to write, so little time.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. It's time I posit my theory of manhood. It's very simple:

We all need to grow up.

Suggestion #1: Church leaders concerned about the state of manhood in the church: please ditch the "all church guys are chicks" talk. It's not true. I mean, it sounds good, it sells books, it spices up sermons when you describe the alleged wussification of men in our society (even better if you add the picante sauce of manly curse-words to your message), but it's not the problem. The supposed feminization of the church, where real and not just imagined, is just a symptom of a bigger problem: the men in our churches that are part of the problem are not wusses, they just aren't men. They are boys.

The problem is a lack of maturity, not a lack of masculinity.



The traits of masculinity that are mourned as missing by Christian leaders include a lack of aggression and risk-taking among church men. "These aren't the men we want", they say; "The men we want are at home, building businesses, climbing mountains, fixing their truck, hunting!" And on it goes.

The problem is that I've known plenty of men, Christian men, with lots of aggression and a taste for risk taking, truck-fixing, and business-building. I've seen no correlation between those traits and the trait of maturity. In fact, there often almost seems a correlation between these traits and a deeply-ingrained immaturity. You can see it in the way they treat others, in the way they treat their wives, in the way they represent Christ in the world.

As I've read books on manhood and listened to the talks on masculinity I've been troubled by this. I don't see the Bible teaching the view of manhood that is often portrayed as needed in the American church. The most ironic teaching of recent note would be that of John Eldredge, the author of Wild at Heart (which has gotten a lot of discussion here on Thinklings - just check out the rest of the posts in this category). His book is rife with pop-culture icons representing his view of what's needed in Christian manhood. Two of the more popular images are that of Maximus from Gladiator and William Wallace from Braveheart. And for every man I've met who was troubled by the lack of Biblical support and the skewed values and twisting of Scripture in Eldredge's books, I've met three others who think that this, this - finally! - is the message Christian men have been missing all their lives!

Yet I look at Jesus, and I wonder. Now, please understand: there has never been a hero like Jesus! There is no other I can think of who has lived a braver life than the Lord. He is our great Rescuer. Yet the biggest disappointment his short-sighted followers had as his ministry on earth came to its end was that he hadn't led them to a glorious victory over Rome. He didn't fight back, and instructed them not to do so also. In earthly terms, he was nothing like William Wallace. No, he was a lot greater than Wallace, and the victory He won through the amazing submission and sacrifice of the cross blows away anything Wallace, Maximus, or a thousand other made-up Hollywood heroes have ever done.

So how are we to live, as men? As Paul told Timothy: "But as for you, O man of God, flee these things. Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called and about which you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses." (1 Timothy 6:11-12). Paul said this in the context of fleeing the love of money. Yet we make men in our churches feel like less than men when they aren't successful businessmen and aggressive, risk-taking business-builders.

When was the last time you heard a message in church about gentleness?

When was the last time you affirmed those gentle, quiet, and mature servant-hearted men in your church who love their wives like Christ loved the church, who faithfully fight the good fight of faith, and who exhibit those traits that sometimes seem long-lost: self-control, gentleness, faithfulness, and real courage (and not the blustering lesser form that we often call courage but is just the thrill of the risk).

Suggestion #2: - When it comes to worship music in church, quit fighting about whether church music is too feminized these days. A better fight to pick is whether or not it's Biblical. Certainly there's a need to focus our attentions on the Biblical content and purpose behind our worship. But silly quibbles about whether a song has too much of a touchy-feely element to it seem to be missing the point.

This aspect of the current debate sometimes appears to be just a grown-up version of the "you're a sissy" taunts heard on the elementary school playground.

I don't personally like every worship song I hear. But the question must be asked: do I dislike this song because it offends my flesh (my sense of propriety or dignity) somehow? Or because it is unBiblical, offending my spirit? There's a big difference.

Suggestion #3: Let's get our ideas of manhood from the Bible, and particularly from looking at Jesus. He is the Man of all men and our model (and the only One who can actually make us men).

Some questions:

Are you a steamroller? Do you think your gift is "turning over tables"? If so, please do it in a Biblical way. Yes, Jesus turned over tables, once, in the temple. It wasn't a daily occurrence for him. And, as Dan Edelen has pointed out, you aren't a member of the Godhead. Do tables need to be turned over? Well, certainly, we need to learn, as men, to stand up for what's right. But we must do so with self-control, and - where possible - gentleness . And always with humility, and maturity, which are non-negotiable.

Are you a sports-jerk? Do you check your Christianity at the gym door? Yes, competitiveness can be a gift from God. We need people who strive to be their best. But if you are a sports-jerk, please, just stop. This is one of those traits we consider "masculine" but which are really just a lack of maturity. Some church sports-leagues are huge anti-witnesses.

Do you love your wife as Christ loved the church? Does she know it? We can search the Bible all day long for teachings on manhood. Yet few are plainer than this:

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. " - Eph 5:25-28

There is a lot more to this than we often notice. This is more than now and then doing the dishes. There's far too much in that passage for me to detail it here (and others could do it far better than I) but notice the high points: God wants us to love our wives in such a way that we become an agent of His sanctifying, cleansing work in her life. Just like Jesus is to the church.

Your wife is not just for sex, cooking, and child-rearing. It's a crying shame that more of us don't get this.

Are you the spiritual leader of your family? There is a huge deficit of spiritual leadership among men in our churches. Our pastor today told us that if a man and his wife bring their kids to church each week those kids have a great chance of staying in the church when they grow up. Do you know what the percentage is when just the mom brings the kids to church each week? It's a lot lower (I believe the percentage quoted was about 30%). May God bless the moms who have had the spiritual leadership of the family thrust upon them. They are valiant warriors. But, guys, this is a minimum requirement for the Christian man. Be a leader!

I can't tell you how much pain I've seen in student's lives due to the lack of a strong, Godly dad in their lives. It drives me crazy. And it's a cycle of sin that continues on in the student's life as well.

Now, if a student is without a Godly dad because dad is either absent or is a non-Christian, it's a tragedy. If the absent dad is someone who calls himself a Christian, then it's a crime. He has criminally forfeited his primary role! I mentioned earlier that there is a time for turning over tables. This is one of them. I'll bring the whip.

Leadership takes maturity. Again, this doesn't have much to do with masculinity, as it is often defined. Maturity is what is needed to face the most frightening and challenging task we face as men: the raising of our kids. We (myself included) need to grow up to this task. There are few things more important.

Let's start with the simplist part. Dad's, take your families to church! This is another one of those issues which have to do with maturity, not masculinity. It's the maturity to choose the spiritual leadership of the family over the hunting trip or the football game. Yes, these are sacrifices.

But to be a Christian man is to be called to sacrifice.

It's time for all of us to grow up.