"Well, crying isn't gonna bring your dog back . . . unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back or you can go out there and find your dog."
- Homer J. Simpson
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
"True manhood will only be found inside the Body of that One New Man, Jesus Christ. What are you waiting for?" (quoted in this previous post).
I write this carefully. I don't intend to offend anyone.
But. It's kind of turning into a rant.
If I've heard this said once I've heard it 1,000 times: "The church is just too feminine for me"
Ok. Message received, loud and clear. Now, let me send you a message:
WHAT DO YOU INTEND TO DO ABOUT IT?
Church is too girly for you? OK, fine. So what's your answer? Run home and hide behind the TV? Make your wife do all the spiritual heavy lifting in your house? Is that really your answer?
Too girly? You know those "feminine" church guys you're always bashing? You know what they are doing? Many of them are working to build the kingdom of Heaven while you sit at home and talk about why you hate going to church and hanging out with them.
Too girly? What are you doing about it? Real men don't complain. They fix. Remember your dad? If you're around my age, your dad was born in the depression, experienced a world war and several other lesser wars, grew up with about 1/100th of the luxuries and extravagances you and I have and, by gosh, when something was broken in your home he knew how to fix it. Because he hadn't been coddled. In those days you either knew how to fix stuff or you went without. And if you went without, you didn't complain.
My dad could and can fix the crud out of anything. Fix a car, build a room, wire a building, pour a slab, you name it. I only wish I had those skills. But I am of the later, coddled generations that didn't have to.
So, OK, assuming you're right. What are you doing to fix the church? What's your excuse for its current feminine state (if that's really the state of the church and not just your favorite excuse for your absence)? If you are evangelical, every single formal position of power in your church is most likely held by a man. If your church is anywhere near normal, it is begging for men to come help and lead. How on earth is it feminized, short of you not doing your job? You're a man. Your pastor's a man. All the deacons are men. If your church is painted in soft pink pastels, I don't know what to tell you, my brothuh. Maybe you were asleep at the switch.
You want to de-feminize the church? Get in there and lead! They want you, dude!
Work side by side with those guys who you think aren't as manly as you are. Maybe you'll be surprised at the spiritual strength some of those guys have. Maybe they are warriors but you never saw it because you were too busy blasting them because they aren't as manly as you are. There's more to being a man than being able to down a couple dozen hot wings and ten beers while watching football at Hooters. Lots more. You might be humbled at the spiritual depth of some of the non-hunters and non ex-football players at your church. You won't know until you get in there and bleed and sweat with them for awhile building the Kingdom. And they might be able to learn something from you too.
God looks at the inward part, not the outward. The goal of a real man is to be like Christ, not like the culture's stereotype of manhood.
Some aspects of real manhood, from my point of view (and I fall short in every one of these categories):
1. Real men have vision: They can see the truth in situations. They see with God's eyes. They see people as they really are, not as they seem. They see people as they will be, not as they are. They don't write people off because they appear useless. They know that every child of God is their brother or sister, and they will lead the rescue mission, leaving the 99 to find the 1. Real men also see themselves as God does, and they throw aside every weight and entangling sin and they run, with their vision firmly set on Jesus.
2. Real men train: How are our spiritual disciplines doing? Spiritual disciplines are how we train for battle and, frankly guys, the women are kicking our pasty white behinds in this area. Our goal, our destiny is to be like Christ. We need to be working toward that goal. To become "those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil." (Hebrews 5:14). Bible study is not just for chicks, men. Dig in.
3. Real men are brave: Brave, not full of bravado. Look at the life of Jesus. Jesus was brave. Brave enough to sacrifice it all. He's our model. And - no - he didn't spend every day turning over tables, although you wouldn't know that from reading some of the Manly Christian books out these days. But he did speak the truth to the powerful. He called a spade a spade. That took guts. If Jesus saw something that was wrong, he dealt with it. He didn't shrug his shoulders, run home, and get comfortable in his easy chair and his excuses. He also reached out to the undesirables. He was willing to commit social suicide to help the ones no one else would touch. And he was man enough to preach astonishing humility and astonishing generosity.
4. Real men sacrifice: The human mind is wired to make excuses. You can't go to church, because it's too feminized. Look at that statement for a second - do you see the circular logic embedded in it? Men, you RUN THE CHURCH! Why are you running from it? If it's feminized, it's your fault. Maybe the real reason is you're not willing to expend the energy required. Maybe sacrifice scares you (it scares me too). But it there's one thing shouted from the New Testament about men it's that we are called to sacrifice.
5. Real men know the meaning of "nice": Frankly, I'm tired of seeing that good word dragged through the mud. "Nice" is not "weak". Sometimes weak masquerades as nice, but that's a different issue. Perhaps a better word is "kind". Kindness is a fruit of the spirit, which means it's a trait we all should be developing. Even if we think being kind is for wimps. Even if we shy away from fruit. Jesus was the perfect mix of firmness and gentleness, and it's no mistake that the trait of gentleness is so highly spoken of in the New Testament. It's the mark of a truly strong man. Self Control. There's another good trait. If you're always flying off the handle in manly rage, maybe you need to get your manliness redefined.
6. Real men don't complain, they fix: God may be calling you to sacrificially pour yourself out in service to others in your local church. If you're a real man, you'll answer that call. Without complaining.
Ok, I'm done.
Trackbacks:
Trackback URL: http://thinklings.org/bloo.trackback.php/3403.
Comments on "Real Men Don't Complain. They Fix.":
2. Milly
- 10/31/2006 5:43 pm CST
De,
I’m inspired and I’m a chick I was so thankful that my “real man†painted over the pink walls in our church and has more walls to go. If it needs to be fixed he is working on fixing it.
My husband is the maintenance ministry leader, he gets frustrated by the lack of help at times. It seems they all want to see things done but not help. He has offered to teach others how to do things like tile, paint, and so on, lots of women seem interested in learning those skills.
You sir are a real man.
3. jen
- 11/01/2006 2:15 am CST
Amen, my brutha.
Bill, your rants are always spot on, firmly but gently said, and Biblically centered. No need to apologize for one of your rants, as I see it.
4. Raindream
- 11/01/2006 2:59 am CST
Have you read or read about Barna's book, Revolution. Some men are taking that route, which doesn't look good to me.
7. Matt Self
- 11/01/2006 5:06 am CST
As someone who grew up in church and has over 20 years of experience in various forms of leadership, I'm baffled by the "church is too girly" criticism. I guess I've always considered this a serious cop out, or these guys are going to the wine-and-cheese churches.
Most people don't like their personal authority being challenged, but especially men. Men, in general, don't like being told they are incapable, incompetent to work their own salvation.
9. Real Men and the Church « Careful
- 11/01/2006 6:12 am CST
[...] Bill at Thinklings provides a list of attributes of real men that have been somewhat lacking in the church. Why has the church been so feminized over the past few decades/centuries? Guys have been absent, at least in heart. Church has been an obligation, not a demonstration of a living relationship. Be a manly man, step up to the plate and git ‘er done. [...]
10. Daniel
- 11/01/2006 6:43 am CST
De, I agree with your points and I hope guys take note of them. However, the people I hear criticizing the church for being too feminie ARE doing something about it (and I'll include myself in that at my church). That's the only concern I have, that you are lumping those guys who criticize and ARE doing things with those that criticize and are doing NOTHING.
Otherwise, great post.
11. Mandi
- 11/01/2006 6:47 am CST
To Bill...my brutha from anutha mutha (okay so maybe I'm getting carried away) -- GREAT STUFF! I'm a woman and I certainly don't want an overly feminized church...I just want a church that mirrors Christ. Ever seen the show "Designing for the Sexes"? The interior designer seems to perfectly mesh masculine with feminine. You know...hardwood floors with cashmere throw pillows. This is what I long for in a church.
12. Real Men go to Church at Brakar.com
- 11/01/2006 7:21 am CST
[...] Or not. The point is that members of churches also woke up and found that manliness was ’somewhat lacking’ (as Steve of Careful Thoughts so carefully puts it), and that we need to get it back. Bill at Thinklings has thought about it and made a list of what attributes men should have to call themselves *real men* (in church or somewhere else). It’s written like real men deliver phone messages; brief and straight to the point. [...]
13. De
- 11/01/2006 8:42 am CST
All,
Thanks for the encouragement! I expected more flamage than I've gotten. Oh well, the day is young
Daniel - I apologize for "lumping". I'd be very interested in what you're doing about the problem.
I don't see the problem in my church, but then again, I go to an SBC church (see earlier post). It exudes manliness.
One point I'd like to make, though. I get tired of even the guys "doing something about it" who constantly rag on men at church. It's not the men at church that are the problem. It's the men who aren't at church.
Frankly, to Driscoll, or maybe even you, I'm the problem. All of the kind comments written above aside, I am not the epitome of a manly man. I'm soft spoken. I'm a musician (of sorts). I don't hunt. I like the song "Breathe". I DRINK DECAFFINATED COFFEE for Pete's sake!!
I've heard a shower of abuse and criticism labelled at guys like me. Frankly, it kind of ticks me off.
The alternative is to "Cowboy up" (see the previous post on the GodMen conference). Um, not for me.
15. Daniel
- 11/01/2006 2:51 pm CST
I think you're missing my point. You are the leader (as far as I can tell from knowing you only through the blog) that God has called you to be in your home and in the church. I've never heard anyone put guys like you (and many of the qualities you mentioned are me, too) down. I've heard the guys who don't want to make decisions and leave everything to the women in the church being criticized. I've heard guys that abondon the role of leadership in the home being criticized.
If guys who are leaders but who are "soft spoken, musician and non-hunters who like the song 'Breathe'" are the problem, then I'm right there with you (well, I'm not a big fan of 'Breathe' but mostly because I get lost when we play it b/c it's kinda droning). But maybe I've not heard the same criticisms you have. As far as Driscoll is concerned, I listen to him every week and I don't get that from him. What I get from him is criticisms of guys who are failing in all the areas you mentioned (in the main post). But, again, Driscoll is in Seattle where guys are not like the guys in Texas and who maybe need to be talked to a bit harsher than you Texans (or SBC-ers, apparently). ;-)
I feel like we're "arguing" over semantics because I don't disagree with any of your 6 points in the post.
16. De
- 11/01/2006 4:01 pm CST
Thanks Daniel
I'm not arguing with you. After I posted my comment the thought hit me that it might be a tad harsh. It wasn't directed at you.
18. Patchouli
- 11/04/2006 3:14 am CST
De,
this is one of the best responses I have seen (along with hugo at http://hugoboy.typepad.com/hugo_schwyzer/2006/10/kristie_sends_m.html).
I still have a reaction, though, to the description "feminized." At the moment, it has crystallized into this: why is a percieved weakness described as feminine? Are the shortcomings in the modern church a result of feminization, or the result of tradition replacing a lack of heartfelt zeal for the Truth in all Christians?
19. Patchouli
- 11/04/2006 3:45 am CST
Okay, let me try that again--Are the shortcomings in the modern church a result of feminization, or the result of tradition replacing heartfelt zeal for the Truth in all Christians?
20. De
- 11/04/2006 7:18 am CST
Hi Patchouli
I think that the modern church has a really hard time accurately diagnosing her shortcomings.
Hence things like GodMen.
Nice to hear from you
21. Real Men Don’t Complain. They Fix
- 11/04/2006 11:36 am CST
[...] Thinklings » Blog Archive » Real Men Don’t Complain. They Fix. [...]
23. Good
- 12/21/2008 7:10 pm CST
I think that many men and women avoid attending church unfortunately due to the lack of truism i.e. ~ "heartfelt zeal for the truth" as Patchuli stated in his post. There has been so much hyposcrisy, especially in the area of sex,i.e. fornication, adultery. Ministers/preachers and even priests are called to an even higher standard and yet how many do we hear who have commited these acts..with young boys, girls,prostitutes, other men and have fathered children with women who are not their current wife..etc. We sure know how to teach and expect people in the pulpit not to slip up and kill and/or steal so why not the same when it comes to sexual sin??
24. Jared
- 03/31/2009 7:02 pm CDT
I still love this post.
On "nice":
I am so blessed to have in the last year become friends with pastor Ray Ortlund, who has mentored me in ways unbelievable. One thing he talked about the last time we met was "nice."
First of all, Ray is one of the manliest men I've ever met. He is a capital-m Man.
He's also one of the nicest guys I've ever known. He reeks of Jesus and has the sweetest spirit.
Anyways, a week or so ago he was talking about how he really believes Christians are supposed to be nice. And of course he started citing Scripture (kindness, tender hearted, etc).
I pray Ray's influence and spirit spread within Acts 29 (the Driscoll-cofounded planting org that Ortlund's church just joined) and beyond. I know I sure want it.
25. Sheila Ferguson
- 09/17/2009 1:05 pm CDT
AMEN! I TOTALLY AGREE AND HAVE SPENT MUCH GRIEF BECAUSE OF THIS IN THE CHURCH AND I'M A WOMAN WHO CAN'T HELP HERSELF WHILE THE MEN IN THE CHURCH ARE, CAN I SAY, BECOMING THE IMPOTENT BODY OF CHRIST? PLEASE GOD, BRING BACK THE MEN!! BUT I DID HAVE A DREAM WHERE THERE WAS AN ARMY OF WOMEN WHO CONSIDERED THEMSELVES HOLY THAT WERE MOWING MEN DOWN LIKE GRASS. GOD FORBID! WE NEED YOU!
27. Julie Canny
- 12/10/2010 6:33 am CST
A very good post.
Some hard truths for the Bride that ALL need to learn:
Jesus did not come to die to amplify or glorify your gender identity. He died an agonizing death to give you the unmerited gift of salvation, justification, and victory over sin--victory over the world, the flesh, and the devil. He died and lived for our justification and our sanctification for **all those** who are willing to believe on Him--willing to confess Him with their mouths and believe in their hearts that He rose from the grave. This is about the redemption of the human race.
You want to be a Christian Alpha Male? Sorry, ain't no such thing.
****GOD*** is the Alpha Male, there IS no other. "I am the LORD; there is no other."
Pick up your Cross and walk, Christian; follow Jesus. Put to death the deeds of the body and present yourselves as a living sacrifice. Put on Christ, the New Man, ye women and men **alike.** Make NO PROVISION for the flesh--crucify it, for without holiness, no one will see the LORD. But you must trust HIM to give you HIS holiness; none other will suffice. Humble yourselves, and He will in due time--HIS TIME--exalt you.
The honest, humble eunuch who opens the heart to Jesus and obey His Rule will be redeemed and saved--witness the Ethiopian eunuch and the Apostle Philip. The carnal macho man who seeks his own glorification and lordship will enter into death of one type or another--witness King Saul, Amnon, Absalom, Alexander the coppersmith, and other power-hungry "tough guys." They who would rule must be the servants of all, offering themselves up as a living sacrifice, immolating their self-interest and their self-seeking. This is what Messiah Yahshua did for us; this is what we are called to do ourselves. "It is not I but Christ who lives in me..."
28. Nellie King
- 05/01/2011 4:22 pm CDT
I loved this post, and I thank you for stating it so clearly. Foundational to us humans seems to be our desire to point the finger at anyone other than ourselves. It's easy (and often accurate) to look at others shortcomings and scoff in our own enlightened estimations, but most truly, every man and woman in the church needs to take this to heart. We've classified everything according to some societal estimation of masculine and feminine, rather than looking to the qualities of the Bible to see what it, and He, esteems as right according to gender. Unfortunately, while I do agree that Christ came to primarily justify, redeem, and sanctify humans to Himself, removing gender from this (Julie?) seems to be incorrect. God is entirely passionate about redeeming every element of our fallenness, and thus straightening every crooked and blurred line, namely in identity and gender. I, as a woman, am fiercely zealous about this, because I want to be radically Biblical, feminine, and thus inspire the men I encounter to be bold, courageous, deep, and passionate lovers of Truth, and warriors for Righteousness.
30. Taylor
- 08/23/2011 2:16 am CDT
late to the party, but i like it. do you see this as in any way related to something i see as the opposite cop out of my generation, Christians that have been hurt by the church and just bail?
obviously, i do. i'd be interested in a followup if you have thoughts in that direction.
31. Bill
- 08/23/2011 5:31 am CDT
Thanks for commenting Taylor,
do you see this as in any way related to something i see as the opposite cop out of my generation, Christians that have been hurt by the church and just bail?
Yes, I do. And I say that carefully, because I know there are true church abuses - people can and are hurt by "a" church. Spiritual abuse is real, and has been going on for a long, long time, and the prophets and Jesus himself spoke harshly against it.
But THE church, the Kingdom, really hurts our pride and selfishness, demolishes our self-aggrandizement, and blasts away all excuses. We don't like that. It's more noble-sounding (and self-justifying) to talk about how badly "the church" has wounded us, when sometimes it's just a repulsion to what Jesus has called us to do. "The church hurts me" is a thought the enemy loves to plant in our heads. The first steps away from God are steps away from His people.
Again, wounds do occur. I am not discounting that. Just saying that for every one who's truly been burned by *a* church, there are multiple others who have just run from church because they hate the people, or don't like the fact that everything isn't about them, or are scandalized by the cross, etc, and use that handy, plaintive bludgeon "I've been burned by the church"
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Bullseye!
I have really appreciated this line of posts in the recent days. I still haven't figure dout how to put all the ideas into practice, but I think this message is one I've been needing to hear.