"The 'what-ifs?' increase exponentially when your heart is walking around outside of your body wearing Buzz Lightyear light up shoes."
- BlestWithSons
Saturday, March 20, 2010
A few years ago we discovered that my son, Nathan, has Asperger Syndrome. I say "discovered" because we have never received a formal diagnosis, and we probably never will. (We're simply not sure that a diagnosis is something that is going to help him.) I think he was around five years old when we discovered his condition. My wife Brandi was a special education major in college, and she was trained in a specific type of therapy geared toward autistic children, so that certainly helped us pick up on certain clues in Nathan's behavior. As far as earlier detection, part of the problem for us was he was our first child and we simply expected him to be neurotypical. We didn't anticipate any roadblocks or challenges in his life.
Of course, as we all know roadblocks have a way of magically appearing, and there's no such thing as a smooth-sailing life of parenthood. During the past five years or so we've tried a handful of interventions, prayed for him like crazy, had the elders in our church pray for him, lamented his condition, and so on. He's now 10 years old and he's starting to mature, take on more responsibility, and figure out how to express his feelings and interact with other people (those things are often big challenges for Asperger kids). I'm not sure how much our interventions have helped, but I do know that he's made great strides in the way he relates to his younger brother and sisters, but the deficits are still apparent when he relates to people outside our family. I think most kids consider him strange, and most adults probably consider him quirky.
Building meaningful relationships is a challenge for Asperger kids, and autistic people in general (that's why one of the up-and-coming interventions is called Relationship Development Intervention). We've still got some challenges with Nathan in that area. He can sometimes not listen to what other people are saying, and he doesn't pick up on context clues (like rolling eyes or yawns) that might indicate that a person isn't interested in what he's vocalizing. And often times what he's saying sounds silly and meaningless (even though he typically knows what he means, even if we don't).
Of course, his silliness is what I so often love about him. Check out this email he sent me last week:
Subject: Outrangeous Bomb
I was thinking about making one that it is like this:
If it is a mile away from you,you will die.
If it is 25 miles away from you you will die.
If it is 50 miles away from you you will die.
If it is 75 miles away from you you usually will die.
If it is 100 miles away from you you usually won't die.
If it is 125 miles away from you you will feel some heat but not die.
If it is 150 miles away from you you will feel some heat.
If it is 175 miles away from you you usually will feel some heat.
If it is 200 miles away from you you usually won' feel some heat.
If it is 225 miles away from you,it will be fine.
That email is typical Nathan. He's preoccupied with bombs right now, and he's a fiend for numbers in any shape or form. (He first became obsessed with bombs when he saw The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. That opening scene where the bombs are dropping simply mesmerized him. He'd love to watch that scene over and over, ad nauseam.)
I've heard parents of Asperger/autistic children say that if they could wave a wand and make their kids neurotypical, they would not do it. Even Temple Grandin supposedly said that her autism is part of who she is, therefore she wouldn't change it. I'm torn between wanting a life for Nathan that's "typical," versus celebrating the fact that he's atypical and gifted in so many ways. Like many Asperger/autistic people, he's got an incredible mind -- a mind that can change the world. His mind wouldn't be that way if he were typical. Furthermore, he's probably the happiest person I've ever known; the kid is always happy and smiling. He loves everyone right down to his infant little sister, Evangeline. (I'll often times see Evangeline crying like crazy, screaming her head off, while Nathan is joyfully holding her in his lap, smiling like he can't even hear her earsplitting cries. It's very cool to witness him be that way, so happy and content with his little sister, despite her current mood.)
In the end I want him to understand JESUS' love for him. I want him truly, in the depths of his soul, as much as possible, to comprehend the breadth of God's love. The same God who holds Nathan in his lap, smiling the whole time. For my part I'll keep loving him, one day at a time.
He's easy to love.
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Comments on "Nathan":
2. Quaid
- 03/20/2010 9:22 am CDT
What a great post . . .
When I was in Houston, there was a student in our youth group who had Asberger's (From what his parents had told the kids ministry, if I remember correctly). As the Junior High guy, I inherited him and he was quite stand-offish. He would barely say a word to me (but that's not uncommon for many new 6th graders).
At the time, we did Small Groups in area homes with our church. Within this environment, the kid grew incredibly well. Let's face it - Junior High is weird for everyone. Junior High students kind of know this at a subconscious level and are pretty accepting of others (or, at least, the students at our church were). His small group was no exception.
Over the next three years, his small group leader and the other students were a consistent, wecloming, accepting, loving force for him. He would often say strange things. (For example, he asked if something were to happen to me if he could marry my then-fiancee. I told him that he could if she was cool with it.)
He made incredible progress through this. By the end of 8th grade, he was making great eye contact and carrying on conversation quite well. I'm not sure if he picked up on non-verbals or not, but he could pass for "normal" while maintaining his AS self. (After his ninth grade year, he participated in a talent show where he did stand-up comedy. He heard people laughing (they were legitimate laughs - it was funny) and he almost refused to get off the stage - we had to cut his mic off.)
Of course, I can't walk in your shoes - but I know that he added something to that group that made the small group far better than it would have been without him. I think AS was a part of that. If Nathan can grasp Christ's love and trust in Him all while maintaining the incredible happiness you speak of, I wouldn't what to change that for the world.
Thank you for his story.
5. Sandi
- 03/20/2010 11:06 am CDT
My great nephew has AS and is Nathan's age. He has been in a special school and has progressed so well. However, this is his last year in that school and his parents are quite apprehensive about his future schooling. He will be attending a private christian school that fortunately has a program for special needs children.
His obsession is Legos. He went to Lego Land and he thought he was in heaven. I think we may have a future engineer on our hands.
He was baptized 2 weeks ago and I pray his relationship with our Savior grows.
7. Whitney
- 03/20/2010 12:26 pm CDT
Love it.
I taught middle school for 4 years, and had 2 Asperger's kids during that time. Definitely "quirky", but it such a great way. :)
One of them amazed me. He struggled in my class (American history), but was at the top of his class in his GT math class... math I probably still couldn't do as an adult! :) It's amazing the way the mind works, in every person.
Thanks for sharing. :)
10. Debbie
- 03/20/2010 4:39 pm CDT
Yeah, he's a great nephew! And he really is a math whiz! Just earlier today I asked him how many months old his 6 yr-old sister is and he told me w/in 2 seconds. Then I asked how many months old his 9 yr-old brother is and again he was quick to respond. It took him a bit longer to calculate his own age into months, but he still did it w/in 10 SECONDS! Amazing!
11. Frank Gallagher
- 03/20/2010 5:15 pm CDT
I teach theatre and have had a couple of Aspergers' pre-teen kids in classes over the last couple of years. It's wonderful to watch these kids when they find something they're excited about. They excel, find acceptance within a group, and open up to other people when they feel accepted.
Loved your post. Enjoy the amazing blessing of witnessing the growth of one of God's children.
13. Steve
- 03/21/2010 1:46 am CDT
Interesting post, I can relate to having a non-neurotypical kid for sure.
About a week ago we watched a very moving DVD called "Adam" about an adult Aspie. The movie brings out both the specially valuable and the genuinely challenging aspects of the Aspie idiosyncrasies, all with lots of warmth and grace. Highly recommended.
14. Shrode
- 03/21/2010 6:21 am CDT
Bird,
Thank you for writing this. Great post. It's one that will stick with me for a long long time.
15. Riley
- 03/21/2010 10:25 pm CDT
Great post. Praise the LORD for putting him in such a great home with a family that loves Jesus and loves him too!
17. Andrea Moriarty
- 03/22/2010 12:02 pm CDT
good to meet you via CCW, my son is easy to love too! i pray his joy will be complete and he'll be set free from some raging behaviors. his favorite are the coconut bombs from swiss family robinson:)
20. Weekend Fisher
- 03/22/2010 9:00 pm CDT
I have an Asperger's kid in my Sunday school class (taking his parents' word for that). Thing is, everybody in the class has such a distinctive personality that no two are alike, so everybody has to make room for everyone's personality. It all works. And I don't think anybody thinks of this kid as any odder than all of their other classmates, or themselves. :)
Take care & God bless
Anne / WF
21. RachaelAnne
- 03/22/2010 9:12 pm CDT
My five year old son has autism, and I love reading memoirs written by adults on the spectrum. It seems like the school years kinda blow, and then they find their niche as adults. Sounds awfully familiar, doesn't it? It's part of the human condition to feel isolated and strange; at least if you have autism, there's some clear explanation and in the best cases, understanding. I've quit worrying about wanting a typical life for my son. No matter his neurochemistry, I couldn't have guaranteed that my hopes and dreams for his future would align with his own.
As far as religion, from what I can tell adults with autism tend to fall into two camps: total athiesm backed up by a brutal rationalism, or complete devotion to their beliefs. I'm not sure what makes the difference.
Nathan's lucky to have such a loving family.
22. D.
- 03/23/2010 12:38 am CDT
bird...what an awesome inciteful look into God's glory being displayed through Nathan! I can't believe he's 10 already...seems like yesterday he was just a baby "Nate-dawg" as Guel called him! I will continue to pray for God's grace for you all...and great strides in his development. God Bless...and thanks for posting this.....what
a blessing to read! - D.
23. Bird
- 03/23/2010 7:27 am CDT
D! Thanks for stopping by here ... and thanks for the kind words. :-)
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I love Nathan so much. He IS an incredible kid...and he's got an incredible dad. :-)